Regrets
by TracyT
Summary: Kate finds out something's very wrong with Rick


Title: Regrets

Author: TracyT

Rating: T

Category: Angst, Romance

Summary: Kate finds out something's wrong with Rick

Spoilers: Final Nail

Archive: Yes, Please!

Feedback to:

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I wish they were. No profit will be made on this. It is a labor of love.

Author's Note: I have no idea where this came from, but once it popped into my head I had to get it down on paper. Total speculation on my part about one of Martha's marriages.

#######

Kate tip-toed out of their bedroom and slowly draped a blanket over Rick's sleeping form. The couch wasn't quite long enough for him to sleep on; he had his feet up on one of the arms. She made sure they were covered, and then she sat down on the coffee table and just watched him sleep. Without conscious thought, she reached over and gently brushed the hair back from his forehead with her fingers, noting the bluish circles under his eyes. He sighed in his sleep and turned away from her.

There was a lot of that going on lately, she thought sadly. Yesterday morning he'd stayed home to write while she went into work. Although they'd been living together for the past six months, she missed him. It felt strange that he wasn't in his chair next to her desk like he usually was.

She called him mid-morning and he'd seemed fine, answering the phone cheerfully, and making plans to meet her at the Old Haunt right after she got off work for drinks.

Around three that day he'd called and sounded…off, down, she wasn't sure.

"Are you okay?" Ryan and Esposito's heads came up simultaneously and looked at her.

She shook her head at them.

There was a short silence, then Rick said, quietly, "We need to talk."

"Okay, sure." She glanced at her watch. "We can talk at the Old Haunt. I'll be there in forty-five."

Another silence. "Okay. I'll see you then."

#######

When she got there he hadn't arrived yet, which was strange. Since it was Happy Hour, it was a bit crowded and she had to weave her way through people to get to the bar. Danny nodded at her and gave her a quick grin as he put several drinks on the bar for the waitress.

"Hey, Detective, how goes it?"

Kate grinned at him. "It goes, thanks. Your boss here yet?"

Danny shook his head. "Nope, haven't seen him. You want a drink?"

"Yeah, beer please." Danny reached down and produced a long-neck, removing the cap before handing it to her. She tried to shove some bills at him, but he shook his head.

"You wanna get me fired? Standing rules. No one from the 12th pays. Boss's orders."

Kate hesitated and gave him a rueful grin. "Okay, thanks Danny." She turned away from the bar, hoping to find a table, but everything seemed to be taken.

She saw a man at one of the booths in the back raise a hand her way. Maybe he was about to leave and had seen her looking. She started toward him, when recognition stopped her in her tracks.

"Brandon Winters?" She met his grin with a look of wonder. "Oh my God, how long has it been?"

"Kate Beckett. I thought that was you." He stood and gave her a hug. "What are you doing here?" Brandon had been part of the gang when she and Madison were in college. She'd even dated him a few times. He was tall and slender, with nearly black hair and green eyes. All the girls had wanted to date him.

"I'm meeting my boyfriend here," she said, leaving out the part that her boyfriend owned the place and was a best-selling author. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, just...I was just leaving, actually. I stopped in for a beer and was on my way home, when what should I see, but a ghost from my ill-spent past."

They grinned at each other like idiots. Finally Kate pulled herself together. "Listen, Rick's not here yet, do you have a minute to catch up?"

Brandon looked pleased at the suggestion. "Yeah, sure." He slid back into the booth and Kate took the other side.

Over the next few minutes she found out Brandon had been married for almost ten years and had two boys ages six and four. "My wife will have my head if I don't get home soon," he said. "I take the boys at night so she can go to the gym."

"I won't keep you then." Kate said reluctantly. He just looked at her with a smile on his face, then he said, "Do you remember when…" And the reminiscing began.

#######

Kate was laughing at something Brandon was recalling from college when she became aware of someone standing next to her. She looked up, laughing, and there was Rick. He did not look happy.

"Kate," he said softly.

"Rick!" She stood up and gave him a hug (which she wouldn't remember he didn't return until later), and hauled him into the booth next to her.

"Rick, this is Brandon Winters. We went to college together. Brandon, Rick."

"Hello," Rick said softly. "Kate, I need to talk to you, can we go to my office?"

Kate frowned a bit at his rudeness.

"I'm talking to my friend," she said slowly and clearly. "Can it wait until later?" She gave him a pointed look and went back to her conversation with Brandon, who now looked rather uncomfortable.

After a few minutes Rick stood abruptly. "Listen, I'll see you at home, okay? Nice to meet you, Brandon. Drinks are on the house," and then he was gone.

Kate frowned. "I am so sorry. That is not like him at all. I don't know what's gotten into him."

"I hope he doesn't mind we were talking." Brandon sounded concerned.

Kate shook her head. "He's not usually the jealous type."

"Well, something's bothering him. I won't keep you. I need to be going anyway." Brandon stood and so did Kate. He gave her a hug. "It was good to see you, Kate. Take care."

After Brandon left, Kate made her way back over to the bar and got Danny's attention. "Did Rick go down to his office?"

Danny shook his head. "No, he left."

"Left?"

"Yeah, I saw him head out the front door."

Kate frowned. What the hell?

#######

On her way home she tried to call him, but got his voice mail each time. She texted him:

_Hey, what's going on?_

No response.

_Are you okay?_

No response.

Something was really wrong. He never, never didn't return her texts.

#######

When she got back to the loft she found him lying on the couch with his arm over his eyes. She went and sat at the end of the couch.

"Hey, are you okay?" She put a hand on his thigh.

"I'm fine," he said shortly. Clearly he wasn't.

"Do you want to talk now?"

He shook his head. "No."

She stood and held out her hand to him. "Come to bed."

He shook his head again.

"Rick."

"You go. I might do some writing."

She dropped back onto the couch.

"Rick, come on, are you mad at me for talking to an old friend?"

He turned away from her. "I'm not mad at you at all, Kate. Go to bed."

She looked at him silently for a few moments, unsure whether to stay or go. She was at a loss for words. He was shutting her out. Rick was never like this, she didn't understand it.

Finally, defeated, she turned and headed for their bedroom.

#######

He never came to bed. After taking him the blanket she'd returned to their room and ended up staring at the ceiling until the first light made its way through the window. She got up and went back out to the living room, but the couch was empty. The blanket was folded neatly at the end and Rick's office door was shut. She wanted to think he'd actually done some writing but she really didn't believe that was the case.

She wanted to stay home and pursue this with Rick, but she had a case that wouldn't wait, and she had to go to work. She decided she would give him some space and let him come to her. It didn't feel like the best decision, but it was pretty much her only option right now.

When she got to work she found it hard to concentrate. Esposito had to repeat something three times before she finally got it.

"Hey, what's up with you this morning? Where are you today?"

"I'm fine," she ground out. "Just fine."

He and Ryan had exchanged looks and said simultaneously. "Clearly."

She wanted to smack both of them.

#######

At 9:45 her phone rang and she was ridiculously pleased to see it was Rick.

"Hey," she smiled into the phone.

"Hey." He sounded as down and remote as he had the day before. "Listen, I know you're tied up with a case, but I need to get away for a day or two. I'm going to the house in the Hamptons. I should be home by the weekend."

"Oh…" To say she was surprised was an understatement. Stunned was more like it."…okay. I…I can't get away right now."

"I know. It's fine. I just need some time alone, okay?"

"Rick, seriously, why are you so angry with me?" She was surprised that her voice wobbled and her vision blurred with tears she had to fight back.

"I'm not angry with you, Kate," but there was a catch in his voice. "We can talk when I get back. I have to go." And he disconnected the call.

Kate took the phone from her ear and just stared at it.

#######

When she got home that night she expected the loft to be empty, but Martha greeted her as soon as she opened the door.

"Martha, you're home." Martha had been in a play in Baltimore for the past month.

Martha gave her a tight smile. "Just got back this afternoon." She held up a piece of paper. " I got Richard's note that he's gone to the Hamptons for a couple of days. You didn't go with him?

Kate gave her a rueful smile. "I wasn't invited."

"Oh, darling," Martha patted her arm. "Well, it's understandable under the circumstances. Give him some time to process all this and he'll come home, you'll see."

Kate frowned. "Time to process all what? Martha what are you talking about?"

Martha gave her a slightly surprised look. "Richard didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"Well, his friend, Damien Westlake, committed suicide in prison two days ago. I thought you knew."

#######

It was nearly midnight by the time Kate pulled the car into the drive of Rick's house in the Hamptons. Trying to get here in rush hour traffic, on a Friday, mind you, was a nightmare. She wanted so badly to get to Rick but it seemed to take forever to get here.

She knew he'd blame himself, that he would take responsibility for Damien's death. _"Without him, there's no me." _He truly believed that, despite finding out his hero had feet of clay. Yes, he would take responsibility because he'd been instrumental in finding out Damien had his father killed. Responsibility for sending him to prison.

Kate killed the motor and turned off the headlights. She got out of the car, feeling the stiffness in her legs and back. She surveyed the house. No lights on upstairs, one light on the first floor, faint, coming from the great room on the other side, the beach side, of the house.

She had her key, but she tried the front door first. It opened easily. She shook her head. Rick was more lax with the security here at the beach. She entered the foyer, and called out,

"Rick?"

No answer.

She cut through the dining room, her heels loud on the Brazilian cherry floors, and made her way into the great room with its floor to ceiling windows looking out onto the beach. The TV was on, but the sound had been muted. There was one lamp lit, but no Rick. Then she noticed one of the French doors was ajar.

She pulled the door open, expecting to find him sitting in one of the wicker chairs on the back porch, but he wasn't there, either.

She pulled her Mag Lite from her purse and shone it onto the beach. Almost out of reach of the beam, she saw a figure huddled on the sand. The light barely reached the back of his white shirt, the rest of him was in shadow. He was completely still out there despite a rather strong breeze.

Kate reached back through the door and flipped all the switches for the porch lights, illuminating a good stretch of the surrounding beach. She ducked back into the house and went to the front hall closet. She pulled out a jacket for him, and one for herself and took them back outside.

Before she stepped onto the sand she took off her shoes. The sand was cool under her feet as she padded out to him.

Her steps slowed as she approached him. She was suddenly nervous about confronting him. He'd been so remote lately she wasn't sure what to expect.

"Rick," she said softly.

Without turning his head, or acknowledging her any other way, he said, "What are you doing here, Kate?" She barely heard him over the pounding of the surf.

She draped the jacket around his shoulders, and squatted down in the sand next to him. She wrapped his arm with both of hers and lay her head on his shoulder. She felt him stiffen at her touch, but he didn't pull away.

"Your mother told me what happened. I'm so sorry, Rick."

He turned his head and looked at her for a moment with deep, dark eyes, then he went back to watching the ocean, giving her a small nod. After a few seconds, he drew a deep breath.

"He hung himself."

"Oh, God." Kate squeezed his arm.

"He used one of his shirts. Tied it to a pipe in the ceiling of his cell. He must have done it shortly after lights out. The guard didn't find him until morning."

"Oh, Rick, that's terrible." She felt him nod slowly

"The man was never anything but supportive and giving to me, and in return I helped destroy him." His voice was deeper than usual, and she wondered if she imagined the tremor in it.

"No," she shook his arm. "No. Rick, you listen to me. I won't have you turn him into some kind of martyr. Damien Westlake was responsible for his own destruction." Rick tried to pull his arm from her, but she held on tight, and her voice was low and fierce as she continued. "He didn't want to live without his father's money, so he had him killed. He continued that pattern with his wife. He sponged off both of them because he didn't want to take responsibility for supporting himself."

Rick shook his head. "He was a very talented writer. He sent me pages that he'd written and they were as good or better than what I write."

Kate seriously doubted that, but she didn't contradict him. "Mmm, maybe, but he wouldn't apply himself, he wouldn't do the work it takes to be a published author like you have. You're the talent, Rick. With or without Damien Westlake, I know in my heart you would have become a success, because that's who you are."

"No, you don't understand…" Rick was sounding very distressed now, and Kate felt a lump in her throat in return.

"Rick, knowing what he'd done, what would you have done differently? Would you have just hushed up his father's murder?"

Rick ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know. I wish I'd never looked into the murder."

"Ignorance is bliss, huh?"

"Yeah."

They sat in silence for a few moments, then Rick suddenly stood, dislodging his arm from hers. He looked down at her, but his face was in shadow and she couldn't see his expression.

"No matter what he was, Kate, he was my friend." This time she could detect the tears in his voice. Without another word, he turned and headed off down the beach. She stood, too, but didn't follow him. One thing she knew about Richard Castle. He was a good friend. A loyal friend. The idea that he had betrayed one of his friends was likely eating him alive.

Kate walked back up to the house and sat on the porch stairs, waiting for him to return.

#######

He was gone quite a long time. When she finally saw his figure, slowly making its way toward the house, the feeling of relief was so great she almost jumped up and ran to him, but she didn't. She stayed where she was until he was within steps of her, then she stood and held out her hand to him.

He took it and let her lead him inside. She finally got a good look at him once they were back in the house. He looked tired, sad, worn out. She took his hand between both of hers, chafing it lightly.

"Do you want me to make you something hot to drink, or do you just want to go to bed?"

His expression was unreadable as he studied her for a moment. "Can we just go to bed?"

'We.' At the word, Kate's eyes filled. She didn't realize how uncertain, how precarious she felt her position was with him until he said that word. She bit her lip to fight back the tears, and leaned her head into his chest. She just breathed him in for a moment, feeling his hand come to rest on her lower back.

She raised her head to look up at him, a small smile on her face. "C'mon. Let's go."

She led him up the stairs.

#######

Once they were settled into bed, with Rick leaning back against the pillows, and Kate resting against his chest, she said softly, "Tell me about boarding school."

Rick took in a very deep breath and breathed it out slowly. He stroked her back softly. "Mother was briefly married to a very successful Broadway producer. Bill was his name." It was faint, but Kate heard the bitterness in his voice. "He claimed to be madly, passionately in love with her, but he wanted nothing to do with a fourteen year old boy. I was just in the way."

Kate's heart clenched at this admission, but she didn't say anything, she just squeezed his arm.

"He convinced mother that I would be better off someplace where I could 'thrive' with other boys my age. He found the boarding school and convinced my mother that it was in my best interest to ship me off there. It would look good on my transcripts." Rick snorted. "More importantly, I would be as far away from them as possible. I tried to object. I pleaded with my mother to let me stay, but I think she felt her position with him was in jeopardy, so she agreed to send me away. In the end, my stay at boarding school lasted longer than their marriage."

"Rick, I'm so sorry."

"To say I felt rejected was putting it mildly. Then I arrived at the school and things just got worse. Most of the other students were from high-class obscenely rich families. Old money, you know? They marked me as beneath them the minute I arrived. I had no friends, no one would even speak to me, and I was so homesick and miserable I'd fantasize about packing up the few things I'd arrived with and walking all the way back home. I was too chicken to actually do it, but I came up with all sorts of scenarios where I made the great escape. And then I started writing down my feelings and thoughts. When there was a writing competition for the school paper, I polished up one of my pieces and turned it in."

"And Damien was the publisher?"

"Yeah, he took the submission from me and shook my hand with a smile. More than anyone else at the school had done. He asked me my name and asked what year I was. He thanked me and told me they'd be in touch. I figured that was a lie, but a day or so later, he caught me after one of my classes and told me on his recommendation, I'd won the competition. He wanted me to be on the paper. It really knocked me back on my heels that he was so enthusiastic about me. He told me I had 'a great talent,' and he was completely supportive. He would find me at lunch and eat with me, bringing his friends along with him. He really made all the difference to my experience at the school. One time I overheard one of his friends make a kind of cutting remark about me. He said, 'Ricky Rodgers, really? Are you sure you want to be associated with the riff-raff, Damien?'"

Kate felt a surge of outrage on Rick's behalf. "What did Damien say?"

"He said, 'I think we need to give Rodgers a chance. Ricky's a good guy and one of the best writers I've ever read.' His friend said, disbelievingly, 'He's that good?' and Damien said, 'Yeah, he's _that_ good.' I can't tell you what that meant to me. After that, I had a life at the school, I had friends. I was able to make it through all four years. I can't imagine what my life there would have been like without Damien Westlake."

Kate was silently grateful to Damien as well, but all she said was, "Thank you for telling me." She felt Rick nod once against the top of her head.

Rick surprised her with his next words. "I just want you to know, I arranged for the funeral and visitation."

Kate raised her head slightly to look at him. "You did?'

"His parents are both dead, and he and his sister have been estranged for a long time. I didn't want him to go to potter's field, so I'm taking care of all that." There was that slight tone in his voice that was both defiant, and asking for her approval at the same time.

Kate lay back against him with a sigh. "Okay, I think that's really wonderful of you to do that. When is the funeral?"

"In four days. I invited everyone I could think of from the school and it will take a few of them several days to get here."

Kate nodded silently. She felt a pang in her heart. She loved this man so much. He was generous and giving to a fault. Although Kate was sure Rick would have become a successful writer on his own, Damien had supported him when he needed it the most. Unlike her in recent days.

"Rick," Kate raised her head again. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. "

Rick shook his head. "You didn't know."

"No, here I was selfishly talking to an old friend when you needed me, and…"

"Shhh…" Rick put a finger to her lips. "It's okay."

Kate gazed at him affectionately. "I love you a lot, you know."

Rick kissed the top of her head. "I love you, too."

They settled down, arms around each other, and both were asleep in moments.

Fin


End file.
